Nature 3, Me 0

Three days ago, I kicked a bird. A tiny little chickadee. I totally didn't mean it, I didn't look down soon enough and I kind of just thought it was a rolling leaf. Truth be told, he hopped into my stride and I gently booted him into the air. He squawked a little and then flew up into the tree so I'm assuming he was a little spooked but generally OK and didn't suffer any internal bleeding.

Ever since then, nature has proven to me that it's pissed and inacting its revenge on me. The next day, I got stung by a bee - only the second one in my life. They don't call it a sting for nuthin'. Last night, it was attack of the mosquitos and/or spiders IN MY BED. I lost hours of sleep and woke up with no less than 10 separate bites that look redder and crustier than mosquito bites. Ah ga-ross. Today, last day of summer, I head up north to a cabin to enjoy a lovely day on the lake. It's cold and completely cloudy the whole time we're there. All we do is go out to lunch and turn around and come back TO AWESOME BLUE SKY.

Seriously, have I paid my penance yet?

Purse-aholics: Take Heed

If you've got hours to kill and money to blow, go here:
Freddy & Ma
Oh my God - CUTE. Orange lady bugs! Pink skulls! Ginkgo leaves! Coral!

Does anyone have one? What are they like in person? Have you touched one? Is the quality as good as the selection? I need to know. I might be saving up my allowance for one of these.

Uncle Jesse is not perfect

Wow, this is simultaneously the grossest and funniest talk show appearance I've ever seen. Belly buttons, in general, are gross. As this clip illustrates, John Stamos has, hands down, the World's Weirdest Belly Button, yet Conan and Tom Selleck don't exactly have any bragging rights either. Their reactions to the Stamos hole are priceless. Selleck is probably huddled in the fetal position under a table somewhere right now, clutching his rifle.


Someone's had his Chic-lets whitened recently too.

Wanted: Russian dance teacher

I'm a hard-working student willing to put in lots of time. (Yes, I see the body jewelry and hands on his butt cheeks but I don't care.)

If you're a female and you're watching Dancing with the Stars and you're not completely smitten with Maksim Chmerkovskiy, you might want to get your lady parts checked out because they must be broken. WOW! Wow. Do you see that smirk? The hips? The arms and shoulders? And talk about a haircut improving someone's looks 1,000% when he was cute before. Dios mio! Laila better pick it up so he can stick around or else. (j/k Laila - you have giant arms.)

Stunt Hair

How ugly is Adam Sandler's hair in the new movie "Reign Over Me"?

There are some truly horrific pictures of it out there and, presumably, in the movie. Like in one part where it's definitely dirty and sticking straight up Alfalfa-style. It's got the appearance of either a half-grown-out-perm where it's growing from the ends and not the roots OR a fresh perm gone bad that's been scorched to death with a straightening iron. Either way, no bueno.

Is it real though or a rug? If the former, I'm sorry. He's been dealt a bad hand in the hair department and I sympathize with him. If the latter, I'm quite sure he possesses the ability to grow that nasty mop (see the former). I know he's a distraught post-9/11 victim in the movie. That's all well and good but apparently, it also means you can't manage your hair or get it relaxed or - I don't know - cut it!?

I think Mr. Sandler really dug deep for this role and the whole hair "ish" is his personal contribution to the character's development. For that, I hope he got an extra mil.

(I kid but I will probably end up seeing this.)

Suck it, Winter

Dear Old Man Winter,

Clearly, you've moved on to Phase 2 and are now resorting to killing me brutally and ruthlessly, not softly. The sub-zero temperatures for over a week, the super sub-zero wind chills, the traffic jams, the threat of death every time I venture outside? I get it. Phase 2.

Listen up!
a) I'm growing real tired of feeling like I'm inhaling glass. It hurts.
b) My hands look like the hands of a hobo who's been train-hopping since October. Dryness that no amount of lotion can cure.
c) I can't throw on a single layer without the static electricity springing my hair to life which, last time I checked, isn't *in* this season.
d) Despite my charcoal gray car being solid white from all the salt, it's pointless because THE SALT WON'T EVEN WORK IN THIS COLD.

Your days are numbered - Punxsutawney Phil said so - so live it up.

Not love,
Poodle

P.S. Today Show - you're not helping either. Quit showing that animated thermometer perched over the Midwest rubbing ice cubes all over itself. Seriously, talk about salt in the wound...

"Get a wet nap, people!"

I can NOT wait for this. It's Dangle, Junior, Clemmy, Jones-y and the gang. February 23rd!